Sunday, February 1, 2015

The game isn’t supposed to air on TV until dinnertime so what is a guy supposed to do on Super Bowl Sunday? During Super Bowl XLIX Americans are expected to consume 11.2 million pounds of potato chips, 325 million gallons of beer and 1.25 billion chicken wings and that is just at my house. More people are arriving as I type. On Monday Antacid sales increase by 20%.  Ok I was just told to order some pizza too. I must be drunk already because I am wondering why you get a square box with a round pizza in it with triangle slices. How do they do that? Amazing.

Why does everyone like their pizza differently? Extra cheese, no anchovies, thin crust, or deep dish. Give me a break! I think I just ordered a deluxe and told them to hold everything including the crust. I better call them back. They say that on any given day about 1 in 8 people will be eating a slice of the Italian stuff. I can take in as much as 3 slices before I get nauseous. Pizza is everywhere all over the world. In Brazil you can get it in a circle box.  Freeport Paper Company from Freeport Long Island, New York ships boxes to all over the world at about 60 cents a box. Super Bowl Sunday is the biggest day of the year for takeout pizza.

So to see the game tonight you will need a big screen TV. How else can we be sure to see every play we bet on and most importantly to see if Katy Perry’s balls on her chest are inflated just right during the half time show?  The biggest TV screen right now is 362 feet long and 6 stories high and it is located at the end of the Jacksonville   Jaguar’s Stadium in Florida. They have 2 of them and are bigger than the stadium they play football on below the giant TVs. They are made by a South Dakota electronics company called Daktronics so go buy your own set for tonight’s game. They are under contract to build a 360 degree TV on top of the new stadium being built in Atlanta soon. No matter what, we will watch it.

So I got the booze the food and the TV now I just have to bet on the crooks and criminals that I am watching and bet on something they might do. No matter what, the Super Bowl year after year is our national Religion. It is the one Sunday where American men can drink openly in the house and not secretly in the garage.  Roger Goodel and the referees guaranteed that Katy Perry’s tits will be fully inflated tonight. Did I say that already? The anticipation is on the Patriots. We all want to know how will  they cheat this week for the win.  

As the Patriots prepare their cheating habits for tonight’s game one of their former players will not be at the stadium because Aron Hernandez is on trial for murder. The police believe that he plotted an execution style killing. Yes, just another millionaire role model for today’s youth. He was a tight end who recently signed a $40 million dollar contract. The dead body was found just a half mile from Hernandez’s home. Roger Goodel just shrugs this scandal off too by simply saying that it has been a tough year as he continues to collect his millions of dollars for apparently not keeping anyone on good behavior.  That’s enough. Maybe we can somehow put a lot of things aside tonight and get hammered out of the garage.

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