Saturday, November 16, 2013

CATS!  I hate them.  I admire their independence, their skillfulness, their beauty,  but I hate how they are totally uncontrollable.  They give you love when they feel like it.  My dog would love me any minute of any day even after he has to be scolded for something.  That tail will always wag and an eagerness to please me will always be present.  Kids aren’t like either of these pets; maybe that is why we still love our cats and dogs. Kids aren’t either majestic or easy to please but we love them all.

Cats will meow out your door until you let them in .  They love to control you mind and body.  Some will even moan so that they sound like they are actually saying hello.  Then when you finally let the garden prowlers in, they immediately seduce you by rubbing up against your leg, something you wish a full grown woman would do when you let her in.  Their meows are saying Help! Can I come in or they can be interpreted as saying I’m fine go back to sleep.  Then you realize that they are clearly saying, Let me in you lazy bastard.

You just can’t let in every friendly thing that shows up at your door. Then before you know it you have become a cat lady. It always starts out innocently rescuing a stray and then you have to get another one so they can entertain each other while you are at work and then somewhere along the line four more sneak into the house and the kids think you are cool because you got six cats. Then one day there you are on the TV show Animal Cops screaming in a southern accent, “Don’t take my kitties! These 27 cats is all I got!”

They meow  all night long if you don’t do what they want.  Before you know it you have frozen toes but a little furry motor boat in your arms.  When I found the first cat my older son said “Hell no, don’t let that thing in the house. It will steal your weed!”  So, that comment was disturbing on many levels.  Then I said, “I’m too old to have a cat. I feel like I’m about six months away from crappin’ in a box myself.”  So then I asked my new friend at the bar tonight how he felt about cats.  He said, “Loved it. Saw it about eleven times on Broadway. A good show but a little bit expensive.  The most I ever paid to see a  pussy  dance in my life.”  Sigh!’’

So, now I am the one to clean out those smelly litter boxes. Cats are like having more kids.  They are lazy, moody and judgemental. It is fun seeing a woman pick up your cat and hold it near their boobs telling you how cute the thing is.  It is the only time I can get away with staring at a woman’s boobs and not be called a pig.  I tried to give it away to one of those kind admiring women.  Then my younger son asked her, “Do you smoke? Drink booze? Take prescription drugs? :”  She said yes to all three questions.  Then he said, “  Forget the cat, take me in your place! “ Sigh!

Why is kitty litter so heavy? Stop complaining I tell myself.  The only other alternative is that they will start clawing at the curtains and pooping on the carpet.  Keep their box clean.  A cat lady will always remember the names of all their 27 cats.  Most teenage girls these days can’t even remember who they lost their virginity too.  Sigh!

Cats are the only other thing besides whores that still get excited with balls in their face.  Wow! Did I just say that?   Cats are like whores because if you are near one you can never hide the evidence.  The whores wear glitter on them {so I’ve heard from other men} and cats have hair.  Both you can never ever get completely off your cloths no matter how many lint brushes you use on yourself.  Sigh!

They say sharing is caring so we share a little of personal space with our furry friends.  So what if our pants are covered with cat hair just for sitting in our favorite chair.  We are home and not in a cold lonely hotel room.  We can pretend that their meows are really saying hellllllo to us at the end of our day.  We let them in and give them food , shelter and love.  A person’s love can change but an animal’s love is eternal.  Damn it!  The furry rat just ran out and climbed up really high in the tree.

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