Monday, December 31, 2012

I am a true American and it is New Year’s Eve and I plan to do the only true American thing I can do today. I will go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that I met at a yard sale and drink beer all day. Now, before you get all judgmental let me explain. Sometime this year taxpayers will receive another Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting program that needs some explanation.
You need to know exactly what an Economic Stimulus payment is. We all know that it is money that the Federal Government will send to taxpayers but didn’t they get the money from taxpayers to begin with? I get it. The Government is giving me back my own money. Thanks I guess. It is not going to amount to much money anyway. So, why should the government give me back any amount of money?
For example, the plan is for you to go out and buy something to stimulate the economy like a high-definition TV set but isn’t that stimulating the economy of China since all our TV sets are made in China? You can’t find anything made in America anymore. How can we best help the United States economy by spending our stimulus check wisely? If you spend the money at Wal-Mart your money will probably go to China or Sri Lanka because all the manufacturing of products is probably there.
Ok, then I will spend it on heating oil for the house or gasoline but then the money will go to the Arabs that control our oil and prices of oil. If I buy a new computer the money will go to India, Taiwan or China. Ok, food then. If I purchase fruit or vegetables the money will go to Mexico, Honduras or Guatemala. Let’s try buying an efficient car like the Toyota Prius. Then the money will go to Japan or Korea. Hey it is New Year’s Eve a time to reflect. Well, I choose to reflect on where my money has gone. I will eventually get to why I am with a tattooed prostitute. After all I am a respected married man I think.
So, I will purchase useless stuff that is probably made in Taiwan. No more buying stuff. I will get serious and as a good New Year’s resolution I will pay my credit cards off or buy stocks and bonds like an investment but then that will trickle down to management bonuses and they will hide their money in the Cayman Islands or Dubai. Yes, you don’t have to pay taxes in those places offshore.
Somehow I still don’t feel like I am keeping my money in America. Everything I discussed so far somehow took my money out of this country. There can only be a few ways left to keep money on our shores. I will only spend my money at yard sales, at least I will be buying crap from a neighbor and they live here. Yes, buy a bear skinned rug and spend American.
I’ll spend it on a Patriots football game, they are doing pretty well this year. At least the high prices for tickets will go to the inflated prices they pay for the American football players. If I spend the money on prostitutes well they are all American working girls. There is pretty good American made beer left in this country too and I can piss it all away right here at home.
Tattooing is an American art form I think. After I drink a lot of American beer I can wake up the next morning with somehow a snake tattooed on my penis or legs tattooed on both sides of my armpit hair. Wow what a nightmare but at least I can say I spent my money on an American art form..
After all, these are the only businesses still operating in America. Yes, after all this reflection on the last year, our focus to be a true American is on supporting financially 5 main things: 1. Spend money at yard sales.
2. Go to ball games.
3. Spend your money on prostitutes.
4. Buy and drink American Beer.
5. Tattoos, the most permanent reminder of how messed up this country is and it is a constant reminder every time you look at yourself.
So, my faithful friends that decide to read my almost daily rants here, you are my best friends. This all was just an explanation of why I will be spending my New Year’s Day
going to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that I met at a yard sale and drink beer all day. No need to thank me, I’m glad I can be of some help in your New Year’s Resolutions.

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