Saturday, December 18, 2010

Holiday time is food time for lots of people at one time. So millions of wide eyed people who learn that everyone is going to your house for the festivities immediately turn to the Food Channel or to the suggestions from the celebrity chefs. The whole idea of those holiday cooking shows is to inspire home cooks to try something daring. You don’t want to be compared to grandma’s casserole that only she can make with her distinctive choice of flavors.

These chefs love the attention and air Christmas specials. They even have a TV chef holiday cook off. For example for the main dish you have Paula Deen vs. Ina Garten. These two hefty women represent the all American basic cook, but each rub me the wrong way anytime I see their shows. Paula at a quick glance reminds me of Barbara Bush until she opens her mouth to talk that never shuts up with her monotone southern drawl. She loves her greasy fried chicken and loves to roll her hands with large diamond rings on rolling around in a large tub of butter or flower coating those rings and expecting me to eat that stuff after you think she was rubbing hand lotion all over her body. Sorry, about my rant but I can’t contain myself anymore. Well, she wants me to make a “Christmas Ham” big deal, I could have thought about that without her “expert” advice. My son is a certified chef and he wouldn’t go near food with a ring on or without a clean cotton coat or apron on. Ina is a chubby soft spoken woman who seems to emerge out of her backyard garden with every herb imaginable and will stuff and cook a duck and serve it to her husband and friends all in a half hour. Oh! If we could only do that too.
Then there are the younger hotties like Giada De Laurentiis vs. Rachael Ray. These two should not be even considered in the same race. Rachael is a Oprah baby who never went to any chef school who spends an hour instructing you everyday how to make a sandwich with easy ingredients found in a supermarket; yeah go to the deli and tell them what you want. But that Giada is perfection in every way If you can pronounce her name. It doesn’t matter she speaks perfect English for an Italian chef and she is a great dish to look at. You must see her show especially the part when with an open mouth she takes a bite of whatever and the slow jazz music kicks in and she moans and groans with ecstasy from the mouth watering flavors and I think I’m in a porno and then the show is over. Sorry, but she is great to look at. Well, Rachael has a Christmas pasta dish but Giada has Penne with shrimp. See what I mean. I love when she sucks on the shrimp. Sorry again.
There are the two guys too. Mario Batali vs. Bobby Flay. They’re guys. Who cares. Bobby has a simple spicy shrimp dip cause he’s a simple guy and Mario Batali who loves to eat; you can tell by looking at him, has a much classier Shrimp Marsala. Well that’s because he wears chef cloths and has restaurants all over the world. Ultimately, It doesn’t matter what you eat, everyone is there to see each one again, to share gifts and to tell you how great it tastes or even better, “remember the time you served us that awful crap, we’ll never forget that Christmas.” Yes, we should always remember the holidays with our friends and family.” The most important thing to buy is a large bottle of Pepto Bismol. Ahh that pink goop taste.

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